Before coming here, I had very few expectations regarding what I would experience here in Spain, but I did come here with a number or explicit goals. The majority of which i'm glad to say I have accomplished. Every individual SA experience is different but the best way i know how to describe mine is that brief period of time that where you by yourself, with the help of no one else, must balance trying to enjoy and make the most of those last moments of your fleeting childhood as well as entering the dismal rabbit-hole that is adulthood to which there exists no exit once you've entered. And more than anything, I feel that struggling to find that balance is what my study abroad has been all about.
A great deal of the knowledge that i'll be taking back home with me was self-inspired. For example, I realized that regardless of how nice and generous you are to everyone, most people will still only look out for themselves without regard to how it affects others. But I also learned that there are still people who are kindhearted, generous and pure even if they are socially isolated from the 'norms' of our peers. Like Walt Whitman when he was writing Song of Myself, I've seemed to find a lot of myself through keen observations as well as my relationships with others. I've learned that I enjoy having responsibility. I like having having things to do' the feeling of being productive and accomplishing my goals no matter how large or trivial. I learned that like Donkey said (in Shrek) that I am an onion of sorts. I have so many layers, many of which vastly contradict one another. I learned that very few can out do me when it comes to being stubborn and proud something i've accepted as both a blessing of strength as well as a torrential flaw. But i've also learned that no matter how "mature I am for my age" (it's in quotes because its the first thing that most people say to me when they find out how old I am lol) I'm not yet ready to finish being a child but sometimes in the midst of preparing to reach many of my goals as an adult, I forget that.
In a situation like this, you tend to find yourself spending a considerable amount of time alone. And when I was alone, I tended to reflect on the past and question the present as both of these were a heck of a lot easier than stressing over the countless what-ifs of the future. My reflections often brought about a lot of discoveries like the fact that I wasn't happy with a lot of aspects of my life: my relationship with my bf of nearly 3 years was imploding. My heart was with a jerk who never deserved it and somewhere down the line I had tricked myself into believing that I had feelings for one of the closest friends I've ever had. But whats worse than any of this is that much of this had been the case for a while and for the most part, I was aware of it but because of others' expectations of me and and this bittersweet habit I have for putting everyone else's thoughts and feelings before my own, things went to a very unhappy place for me and considering the fact that i'm generally staunchly opposed to sharing my emotions/vulnerabilities with others, I just sat and let these thoughts fester in my head until one day, I was simply finished. Because I was here, by myself, I was able to begin making decisions for me and no one else without the input of anyone else. My relationship had finally ended and I resolved to to avoid all reconciliation. I released all feelings both positive and negatived about the boy that had my heart and promised myself i'd never go back and finally the most seemingly difficult task, I reminded myself that my friend was just that. A friend. No more no less. and things began to look up.
During this time, I also realized, I had an incredibly low self-image and for such a long time,I convinced myself that it was normal, everyone hates how they look or it was okay as long as no one could tell. But I have since realized that it's not okay and to this day it is still something I struggle with and will continue to until I reach a point in which I am truly happy with myself.
Very quickly as well, I learned the things that made me tick (like reallyyyy push my buttons) like self-entitlement, disorganization and jealousy just to name a few. But ultimately, it occurred to me that all of these thoughts and feelings were okay because I'm still a kid. Of all the time I spent reflecting, there were also a lot of times where my mind would wander back to adolescent crushes or passing summer days at an easy job only to spend summer nights creating unforgettable memories with those friends that felt like family. My mind often wandered to all of the hypothetical situations that could and would come about this summer, praying that it would be the best one yet.
This is it for me... and as the responsibility begins to pile, I'm still gonna make sure that I enjoy my summer and all my time because I know now that my days of flippantly claiming "I'm just a kid" are so very numbered.
As this trip comes to a close and I try to pack 6 months of my life into 2 suitcases, I find myself in a daze of extraordinary memories and various apprehensions about the future. What if everythings changed? What if everythings the same? What if i've outgrown the people I used to chill with? What if they forgot about me? What will next semester be like? etc. etc. But all this aside, I am confident (especially now) that I have a bright future ahead of me. Spain feels like a second home to me now so I know i'll definitely be returning to Europe in the future. But until then, I have new friends and memories to hold on to and hundreds of pictures to accompany the amazing story I have to tell.
